WE ARE NOT ALIVE!!! Ghost's online manifesto

Why the indie web?!

TW: ED, SH, mental illness.

Growing up on the internet was strange. I wasn’t unrestricted at home as a kid until I got a phone at 11, but at school? The elementary school I went to shoved a chromebook in your hands as soon as you could turn it on. this lead to me finding MLP Cupcakes in (i think) 2014-2015 which leas me to discover creepypasta’s in 2015, and things like wattpad a few years after that.

As much as the stories sometimes scares the shit out of me, it was pretty tame and harmless for me, I watched youtube, switched to ao3 for fanfiction and wrote my own on google docs. I was healthy when it came to my online interaction. That was until I got social media.

I want to preface this by saying social media isn’t always awful, and my issues are certainly not only from the time I spent online. That being said when I was 11, I got snapchat and instagram because at the time all my friends had it, so I had to have it to. A week after I got snap was the first time I ever purged everything I ate, and I kept doing that for almost 3 years after that.

With the constant sight of my friends, enemies, and total strangers online gauging into me anytime I opened my phone, my underlying paranoia and other mental illnesses surfaced quickly, I started cutting my arms and thighs at 14 and tried to overdose quickly after that. That failed attempt finally caught the attention of my family and friends and thankfully I was put in therapy, and officially recovered from my eating disorder.

While working with my now ex therapist she suggested taking social media breaks, to keep my paranoia at bay. These helped a lot most of the time, but when burnt out or out of spoons I was unimaginably bored. During these times I would go on fandom wiki to read creepypastas, or watch some of my favorite youtubers.

Last year during one of these burn out moments, I logged onto youtube and saw a one year old video from you’ve got kat titled “why you should check out the indie web.” I have always been huge into creative spaces especially indie spaces so I had to watch it. The second I finished I proceeded to spend 10 hours -I’m an insomniac- on the yesterweb, internet archive and neocities.

Now I’m 16, and I have finally worked up the guts to attempt making my own website. I wanted to make this to hopefully reach someone like me, to be truthful about both my struggles and my accomplishments. Not just with my health but with my art, writing, school life, and interests. Just being me.

*written august 22nd, 2024